Pre-Season Football: The Biggest Cock Tease in Sports

(Originally Posted: Tuesday August 10, 2010)

The long desolate off-season is finally over. You’re not even sure how you survived it anymore. It’s all a big blur of commentators spending weeks guessing where a couple guys are going to play basketball next year, an international soccer competition being invaded by bees, the world’s best golfer designating before our very eyes, and cooking competition shows. (Okay, maybe the last one was just me.) But what seemed like millennia away back in February is finally here. Real honest to goodness NFL football. (Sort of.)

On Sunday night we had our live action NFL pre-season game of the year between the stupid Cowboys and the Bengals. I was so excited. Couldn’t wait to turn the game on, even if it meant sitting through the awful theme song that NBC has for their games. Didn’t care. It’s been six plus months and the Couch needed some football. Stat. And I’ll admit it, after the Eagles, the Cowboys are my favorite team to watch. If I don’t have my Birds to root for, then I want someone I can vehemently root against. (Please don’t retire, Favre!)

So I had my beer and turkey jerky and was ready for the game to start, and then it slowly started to sink in. Pre-season football sucks. It’s just awful. It’s like coming out of a desert after six months and being offered a Mr. Pibb. Sure, it’ll be refreshing for the first two or three gulps, but after that you just want to give it back and wait for the truck of bottled water that’ll be coming in a month.

Honestly, I am overdoing it a bit. The first week of the pre-season is actually fine. It’s like an amuse bouche. It’s the perfect little treat to wet your appetite for the 32 oz porterhouse that coming in nearly five weeks. The problem is the league gives you nothing except bread to hold you over for the month while you wait for the season to start. (Told you I have been watching a lot of cooking shows.)

There’s three more weeks of completely unwatchable football to come. And the coaches, commissioner and networks don’t even try to hide it. They just know you are so desperate for football, that you’ll watch this crap. Football is so ingrained into our blood stream, that Daddy needs his medicine. And the league holds us hostage with these meaningless games that the coaches are using to determine who will be their third left tackle and the 53rd guy on the roster for special teams. By time the pre-season games start, coaches have at least 47 players on their roster locked in. Do we really need to carry on this charade just to figure out the last six? And don’t tell me they work on plays for the season either. The game plans for these games are so vanilla, they should be sold at Baskin Robbins.

As a former season ticket holder, I can tell you what the league does to them is CRIMINAL. They include the two home pre-season games as part of the season ticket holder package, and charge the same price they do for real games. Everything else from beer to parking to beer to food to beer is also the same price as a regular season game. The year they opened the Linc non-withstanding, I cannot recall a pre-season game with more than 50% capacity at any game. But I guarantee you that virtually every one of those seats was paid for.

Quick side rant: There’s nothing I hated more when I used to listen to WIP then when a caller would say that he’s a season ticket holder and has been one for x number of years. They would say it as if that made them a superior fan, and it does not. Especially in this day and age it means you have the financial ability to be a season ticket holder. Some of the best fans I’ve ever met have only been to a handful of games. While some of the knuckleheads who used to sit around me who had season tickets prove the point that having season tickets does nothing for credibility as a fan. If you talk about how you’re a season ticket holder, it usually means you’re a braggart and a blowhard, so shut the hell up. (I guess I fall into that group now, and all I can say to that is tough tittie toenails.)

So what’s the solution? It’s seems apparent that the league should cut the pre-season in half. I bet if you polled NFL head coaches, you’d find out they can learn all they really need to know in two games. They are all so fearful of injuries in the pre-season, they don’t even play any regulars in the last game of the pre-season. And the league seems open to reducing the number of pre-season games, but like most things, they can’t fix one thing without screwing up another.

The league wants to take two pre-season games away and turn them into regular season games. I know what you’re thinking, 18 game season? Yes, please. But what will probably surprise most of you is the Couch not down with this. NFL Football is such a violent sport, it so difficult for the players to stay healthy for most of a season currently. Adding two more games to the regular season is going to make it worse. Instead of the most talented team winning Super Bowls, it’s going to turn into whichever team stays healthiest winning the Super Bowl. And no wants that. But don’t worry about anything changing next year, there’s probably going to be a lockout anyway.

I guess I should just look positively at this. Pre-season football is back and it’s better than nothing (Read: Baseball.) We’re now in the home stretch to the regular season. Time to start planning our fantasy teams, making tailgate preparations and start looking out for more posts from the EaglesCouch. All things considered, a cock tease is always better than a punch in the mouth.

Advertisements

About Bill

A man in search of a mission at the age of 40.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s