I went back and forth on whether or not to write about this douche bottle. It’s just too easy; I was just going to leave it to the quick hits on my twitter feed. But then I read the CBA negotiations are heading in a bad direction, so I figured this might be the last thing fun thing I have to write about for a while. Tiki Barber announced that’s he’s un-retiring from football, and I couldn’t be happier. I love seeing self-indulgent asshats fail.
As a life long Eagles fan, I always hated Tiki Barber. I liked him a little more before he figured out how to stop fumbling, but he was always on my top 10 hated list. (Note to self: Write a column on current Top 10 Hated List. Suggestions welcomed in the comments section.) Then he learned how to hold onto the football and became even more irritating. With that big fat artificial smile, what’s there not to hate? You just looked at the guy and he reeked of phoniness. Nothing about him seemed real. The way he announced his retirement in the middle of the season to become a broadcaster, so he could have a mini-retirement tour was the epitome of arrogance. Luckily it pissed off most of the Giants locker room more than it annoyed most of us.
Speaking of the Giants locker room, maybe Tiki should have read a book or two about not burning bridges before heaving Molotov cocktails on his way out of the Meadowlands. Wowzer. Let me see if I remember everything. He called out gap-toothed Strahan in ’02 for wanting more money (Who has the balls to get involved in another players contract negotiation?), complained about Coughlin a couple of times for being out coached in games and after he retired, questioned Eli’s leadership ability (Got to agree with him there.) So I’m going to go out on a limb and say he never really expected to return to the Giants or football in general. The best part is the Giants went out and won a Super Bowl the next year without him. It almost made a that Super Bowl win palatable. (I said Almost.)
So why’s he gracing the NFL with his presence again? Apparently he sucked as a broadcaster and most people found him as phony as me. He did one year on the NBC pre-game show before being shoved out of the studio, had a gig on the Today show, but his appearances kept getting smaller and smaller as NBC figured out that no one liked him. Well, I can’t say no one liked him. One of the NBC interns liked him enough for him to leave his eight month pregnant with twin’s wife. He already had two other kids at home, and was about to have two more, but he decided to leave his wife, destroy his family and career for some strange. You stay classy, Tiki Barber!
Yesterday, literally within hours of announcing his un-retirement, the Giants released a statement saying that as soon as the new CBA is agreed to and they can cut Tiki’s sorry ass, they will. That’s how broke, sad and pathetic this guy is. There is no labor deal in place right now, so there was no point of un-retiring this week. And I thought Brett Favre had no sense of timing. (For those of you betting at home, it took over 500 words for me to bring up the F word.)
To be honest, I will be rooting hard for Tiki to follow through with this and make a team. Why you ask? Because I can’t wait to eviscerate him on twitter any time this self aggrandizing, home wrecking, douche bottle of an asshat is on my screen. Mr. Favre, you’re off the clock. For now.