As you all know, and are probably tired of hearing about by now, I’m cancelling my DirecTV as part of my one fan lockout of the NFL. Well, I finally got around to calling them and doing it today. (The Couch may be proactive, but I’m also lazy.) I set the over/under for the call at 23.5 minutes. Here’s the play-by-play of the call(s):
11:56:34 AM Called DirecTV. Starts with automated system, of course. Why do I enter my account number or my reason for calling to the automated system? That’s always the first two things the operator asks for. Twelve seconds in and rage is already rising.
11:57:35 AM Told auto menu I wanted to cancel my service. Menu asked if I wanted to cancel or change my service. I responded, “Did I stutter?” That shut up the stupid computer quick. Or just confused it.
11:58:09 AM Got to a person. Asked me for my account number and why I was calling today. Grrrrrrrrr.
11:58:56 AM Line went dead. A cynical man would think they do that on purpose to all cancellation calls. Luckily, I am a cynical man.
11:59:54 AM Calling again. Rage doubled.
12:00:18 PM Back to auto menu. About to punch my computer just for being electronics and related to auto menus.
12:01:11 PM No longer on hold. No one is talking but I hear typing. They didn’t say anything until I said hello. We’re off to a good start.
12:02:10 PM “Customer” rep is verifying my info, asks why I’m cancelling. Told her I don’t need DirecTV anymore since I’m not getting the NFL Sunday Ticket this year. She tried to explain to me that the Lockout will probably be over before the season starts. She tried to give me a rundown of the labor situation Almost asked her if she thought she knew more about football than me. But that would have a bit too much. The Couch does have a heart. (Sometimes.)
12:03:51 PM Rep starts giving me the hard sell. Apparently, I’ve been a long time customer. I asked what that means to me. She said that I am entitled to discounts and free upgrades. I should try to cancel things more often. (Like last year when I called to “cancel” my NFL Sunday Ticket and got a 120 bucks knocked off.)
12:05:13 PM Amazingly, the HD DVR I’ve been calling about upgrading to for months is suddenly available. I said that’s convenient that it’s available now that I’m cancelling, and she said that I’ve been eligible for it for months. I asked her why I haven’t been able to get it when I called before. She said I was talking to the wrong department. She said the phone menu was taking me to the wrong department. And I finally punched my monitor.
12:06:58 PM “The phone menu never takes me to the right people either.” -DirecTV Customer Service Representative. Gotta respect the honesty.
12:08:48 PM For the first time I’m put on hold. She’s calling another department for my “recovery kit.” Sorta like a body bag for receiver boxes. Now that I think about it, I should have been punching those instead of my computer.
12:09:34 PM To be honest, this is going disappointingly smoothly. I had a good rage worked up. I was expecting to be transferred around and put on hold more often. This customer service rep is probably the nicest person I’ve actually ever talked to at DirecTV in four years. Maybe I should write more letters to CEO’s.
12:10:14 PM Rocking out to Jamiroquai while on hold. Is Jamiroquai a person or a band? It’s like Jethro Tull. Only crappy.
12:11:39 PM Rep gives me the rundown of the service RIP. Last bill, mail in my system cards, how to turn my satellite dish into a bird bath, etc.
12:12:30 PM blah, blah, blah, legalese, blah, blah. It’s like listening to the NFL and NFLPA nowadays…
12:14:03 PM DirecTV is dead. Long live Charter Cable! (until they start pissing me off.)
Time of total call: 15 minutes 5 seconds. The cancellation was a lot easier than I expected. I have a feeling that my letter from the “Office of the President” was noted in the account and scared the bejesus out of the service rep. The lady on the phone spoke English as a first language which is always a win, and she tried throw as many deals as she could at me. I wonder if all those deals will still be there if I decide to go back to DirecTV for the 2012 season.
Alas, faithful readers, this ends the Couch’s DirecTV saga. Back to football writing this week. I promise.